Talking to Children

I've been meaning to write this post since Lisa Bloom's piece, "How to Talk to Little Girls," was posted last June (you can read it HERE). In a society where children have become prime targets for advertisement and all the socialization and commercialization that this entails, Lisa's point was both  wonderfully important and relevant to all children:

"Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she's reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You're just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does."

Lisa was encouraging this in the face of all the pressures on little girls to conform to an socially defined image -

"15 to 18 percent of girls under 12 now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and 25 percent of young American women would rather win America's Next Top Model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they'd rather be hot than smart."

And you can tell similar stories for boys, whether it's a pressure to encourage them to participate in rough sports, hunting, violent games and the like, or to discourage them from crying, wearing pink, painting their nails, studying ballet, learning to sew, or exhibiting other 'soft' traits. And that's not even getting into the difficult territory of what happens if gender norms are actually transgressed or you are parenting a child who doesn't want to conform. Speaking from my experience as a boy growing up and now as a father parenting a son, the pressures can be huge and the consequences devastating.

Steven Wineman has described the impact of this kind of gender socialization in this way -

Males are oppressed, victimized, and traumatized primarily during childhood. Feminism correctly identifies boyhood as a period of training and socialization into the role of dominant and into predatory behavior. But childhood is also a period of immense vulnerability during which boys are oppressed and traumatized in ways and to an extent that is typically ignored across the spectrum of political and social analysis. While I will argue that some types of traumatization also occur during adulthood for men, childhood is the primary arena in which males are oppressed and traumatized by patriarchy. The victimization of boys stands alongside - and in many ways is critical for understanding - the dominant roles of men. (SOURCE)

In other words, we treat (and allow children to be treated) in this way because that is what keeps the system of domination going. And this is what makes Lisa Bloom's point so important to me: we need to learn to talk with children and be with children in such a way that shows them respect, that shows them we care, that embodies the values of compassion over consumption, and that gives them a chance to learn a different way - before they are convinced that there is no other way.

Yet this is exactly why having these kinds of conversations can be difficult and requires a few things that are more than a little counter-cultural in themselves. Here are some ideas that I've found aren't always acceptable, especially when it comes to their concrete expressions:

• Children have something to say worth hearing. Children are worth my time.
• Listening to a child is as important as speaking to a child. 
• Understanding their experiences is at least as important as directing their experiences. 
• I can learn from a child. 
• Treating a child with respect is important, especially if I want them to treat others with respect. 
• Learning is wonderful, and learning with a child (and watching them learn) is exciting and fun. 
• A child's purpose in life is NOT to be a consumer, but to grow into a complete human being. 

The list could go on. There's a lot of cultural inertia that can make it hard for us to slow down and connect. The result is that we often miss the moments and the accumulation of moments that represent the best opportunity for us to make a real and lasting difference in the world.

Our children are constantly learning. What they learn from us is from watching us and talking with us. Often those moments come when we don't expect them, from birth to adolescence: brushing teeth, doing chores, throwing tantrums, eating dinner, coping with disappointments, running errands, getting ready for bed, and taking care of all the little pieces of life. Those moments are all important, as are the conversations that happen in the midst of them. Lisa Bloom took a moment to transform a before-bedtime conversation into something wonderful, but she had to make a conscious decision to do so. And that's an important piece of the puzzle: we've all been socialized, too. It takes a conscious decision, again and again.

Talking with our children in ways that show reciprocity, respect, compassion and care is a path of freedom. But it's not just our children's happiness and freedom that is at stake: it is our own.